Voice as a Spiritual Path

I just finished the last chapter of what is known as a Shitty First Draft-SFD 2.0. I finished SFD 1.0 about four years ago and came to a screeching halt. I stalled around with back spasms and resistance for a couple of years until New Year’s 2017. I decided I either had to write the book or not write the book, but not wallow in the emotional muck in between. I felt like the book would not let me go. I decided to finish writing it. The book is about voice as a spiritual path.

I found a writing partner, Pam Clark. We got together every week. I took a residential class on how to write a book with Mary Carroll Moore. I continued working with Mary through two online classes, which I’d never done before. I played with stickies on charts, imagined scenes, sequence, and structure, all the while writing something every day.

One day, Pam and I decided to ask a question of our inner guide. I watched as I wrote ten keys to voice as a spiritual path. I read them aloud to Pam. Pam said, “Oh my God, there’s your book.” Here was my structure.

Mary agreed to work with me as an editor when I finished my next draft. We set a date. I made a schedule. I began arranging my day around writing. Life got busy, as it always does. The date got pushed back to March 1, which is Friday. I’ve done it.

I have struggled, resisted, held back, learned, grown, and flowed in this process for a decade. I had made the desire and task of writing a book Mt. Everest. Somehow, in the last six months of actually writing this draft, the mountain faded completely into the nothing it always was. I did not release all my negative self-judgments and doubts. Plenty of mornings, I woke up irritated and anxious. I just kept writing. If nothing else came, I wrote about being irritated and anxious. With each chapter I completed, my negative self-judgments released me.

There are eleven chapters. As I was finishing the tenth chapter, my thighs began to ache in a way they hadn’t done in years. Paul was in the process of getting a new job. We were both stressed by that. I had two concerts coming up, music to memorize, music to plan and record for my two choral groups. I got a cold. That whole week, my legs ached all night. One morning, it felt like I had hiked up my mountain all night. It hurt to bend down when I fed Scuppers. The last time my legs had gripped and ached this hard was the summer of Laura’s dying. My friend Laura’s death and what I learned with her were the impetus to write a book in the first place. SFD 1.0 was that story.

I finished the tenth chapter despite my body’s efforts to hold me back. I thought, “I’m almost done. Shouldn’t this feel momentous or ecstatic? Have I changed?”

I wrote the final chapter the same way I wrote the others, plodding along, writing what came to me, piecing together a collage of observations and stories. My legs stopped hurting overnight. I made my school vacation week a writer’s retreat. Pam came over and we spent a day writing together. Today, I got up eager to write, edit, polish, play, and discover what the next step will be. This morning, it is this blog.

I cleaned up SFD 2.0 and sent it to Mary by email on March 1. I met my deadline. I also mailed her a hard copy. The next phase of polishing and refining begins. I can’t wait. In the meantime, I am going to write some poems. Here’s one from my last chapter.

 

Behind walls

of our own devising,

shoji screens of rules

we eat as real,

lies permission

to taste the world

to say yes

and no

to reflect our beauty

power

love

to grace life

with our imperfect touch

to shimmer

radiant as the gods

we are.

 

As always, your thoughts and comments are very welcome. Happy snow.

Peggo