Return, begin again – heart
opening, closing –
right now
give yourself to love.
Right now, I am giving myself to my book. I have been working on a book since my friend, Laura, died of cancer nine years ago. She once said to me, “This writing is your cancer; this breaking down of all structures, nothing left to hide behind, no pretend, only love.” I am giving myself to the process, to learning, to not knowing, to growth, expansion, fear, struggle, imagination, possibility, creativity, play, joy. This challenge is calling me to a new relationship with myself, one in which:
I can
I am able
I express what I need to say
I sing
I let go
I give myself to love, love of myself and my inner call
I answer this call because it won’t let me go
I trust its unknown value
I seek not knowing
I hold my hand and jump.
This process might be like hopscotch; only the squares go out the driveway, down the road, and away around unseen corners. All I need do is jump from one box to the next – one jump at a time.
“Fear is not your friend,” Carolyn Myss said recently to a friend of mine who has cancer. Fear is not my friend, either. The last years of writing- and not writing- this book have been a journey with fear. Fear has been tenacious and steady, my seeker of comfort, my defender against change, my test of truth – but not my friend.
Today, I return. I begin again.
“Begin again” is a meditation mantra – an invitation to sit down, relax, breathe and open to what is before me right now. What’s before me right now is a deep desire to sing with the birds outside my window, to chirp with the crickets in the woodpile, to trust the call, trust myself, trust my voice to expand beyond the self-imposed limitations of my fears, and to open to life while I’m alive.
This is not just a cliché etched on clay tiles and hung on my wall. ‘Follow Your Heart,’ it says with a dragonfly hovering nearby. The message is deeper than a decoration. When I begin again, I can hear the call more clearly. Fear fades. The heart is the channel of light, the inter-spirit connector. The password is: loveopens.
As part of the process of writing again, I want to share some of my thoughts as they evolve. Please feel free to send me your comments or questions.
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