Just Joy

Kent and I at the Bach’s Lunch Concert

“Peel me a grape, crush me some ice,

Skin me a peach, save the fuzz for my pillow.”

I sang those opening words (and more in that sassy vein) at a recent concert in honor of Valentine’s Day. Kent Allyn, a masterful musician, and I have been performing a concert of love songs every year for nearly twenty years. I love planning the music and rehearsing with Kent. We take our time, exploring arrangements and enjoying the time making music together. I love our walks on the beach after rehearsals at Kent’s seacoast home. I even love memorizing the lyrics, writing the words on index cards, which I pull out of my purse at stoplights and lulls in the day.

I love the whole process of preparing these concerts, but I do not like how nervous they make me at performance time. For some reason, this particular concert has given me more performance anxiety than I enjoy. A couple of years ago, I decided to figure out how to have as good a time performing these songs as I do rehearsing them. I was tired of missing out on the fun – from the first day picking songs to the last note sung in concert.

Reframing performance anxiety is a process. This February felt the best so far. I know how to perform – how to present a song, how to express my feelings through the music, how to manage my extra adrenaline and how to share my joy in the music. But performance often assumes a separation between the performer and the audience and between the performer and the song performed. It has also carried a load of self-inflicted expectations – to sing well, remember the words and the arrangement, be present, be happy, and, oh yes, relax, too.

Who could relax with all that perfectionist chatter going on? I wanted to drop the persona of a “good performer” and just sing the songs with my friends (aka- the audience) present with me. Bill Fletcher, a composer friend of mine, once said to me, “You’re the only one who doesn’t know that every note out of your mouth is beautiful. Just sing the damn song.” I relied on that sage advice once again for this concert.

My intention was to treat the concert like one of our rehearsals. Rehearsals are playtime in the hallowed halls of music. I feel looser in my body. I’m exploring, not worrying, so my voice and breath are free and unrestrained. There is no expectation of perfection and no performance, no persona, just Kent, the music and me.

All of my anxiety in these concerts has been wrapped up in giving a great performance, which has kept me separate from the songs and the audience. In that separation, the mind can run amok. This time there was no separation between the song and me. Kent and I were hanging out with our friends, sharing some cool songs, having a blast. My only goal was to be fully present to each moment, each word, each sound. In that presence, the heart flows freely through the songs. No separation. No persona. No holding back. Just joy.